on this high hill in a year's turning...

{three little post-solstice pictures, me in all three}

Though I generally like to refrain from writing anything too rambly & revealing here, I sometimes have the urge to write things that might be a little self-indulgent, & are more of a personal record than anything else -- things that are not likely very interesting to virtual passersby. However, it was my birthday recently (well, two weeks ago) & I am going to indulge myself by talking about that birthday. I mused to myself then that he numbers seemed to be getting rather high & important-sounding... though really, to me, the chronology is quite meaningless. Really: what is a 24-year-old in my society 'supposed' to be like? What 'should' I be doing? It's really quite absurd when I think about it. Sometimes I swear I'm six years old, chasing after rabbits in the yard, spinning around... (see above for photographic evidence) Or, this evening, I am already an old baba, curled up in my living room knitting a sock, the news on mute, listening to birds sing. I am not, as it seems so many of my peers are, engaged, pregnant, or buying a condominium in the suburbs. (It seems every time I log on to bloody Facebook, I find out that a friend of a friend is getting married)

It's just so strange because I am not at that place in my life at all. I am working on my M.A., I am about to go do fieldwork in two months, I have no idea where I'll do my PhD, but I'm willing to migrate. & this birthday, I think, has somehow made me feel a little more sturdy, despite my recurring spasms of a rather frightening self-doubt. Am I bit more capable, perhaps, somehow? I accomplished a lot this year, I think. & I feel a little more aware of this sense of potential for the next years... and I am constantly awed by the opportunities that are available to me. There is truly so much before me; I am a lucky little fish with dear friends & a wonderful family, who has a lot of freedom right now to learn & experience & do so much. & I don't have to worry about down payments on a house or what a partner might think of me wanting to go to school in Scotland or do doctoral research in the Sakha Republic for an indeterminate amount of time.

On my 14th birthday (10 years ago!) I decided to emulate Emily of New Moon -- I wrote myself birthday letter, telling my future self what I envisioned myself doing by this point in my life. (I was bad & actually opened it last year, actually, because I was moving houses & was in a purging fit...) but anyhow, I am pleased to report that I am fulfilling a lot of things I had hoped for myself back then (especially in terms of my education), and I daresay my 14-year-old self would be a little bit proud of me now. I am doing what I want (even if I don't always know what exactly it is what I want!) & despite the tumultousness and uncertainty that comes with it, I am deeply glad of this. I can say I wouldn't want it any other way. I am full of that cusp-feeling right now, & full of gratefulness, and I just hope I can do justice to the abilities I've been given & do things that are good & useful & fulfilling.


The loveliest birthday poem: Poem in October by Dylan Thomas.